Every Wednesday, we read from One Day at a Time in Al Anon.
Today's reading was about how some of us have lost hope before coming into the program. And how important it is to believe something is possible.
It reminded me of U2's song, "Walk On." Bono sings about what great things can happen, if we believe in them before we see them in real life.
"You're Packing a Suitcase for A Place None of Us Has Been. A place that has to be believed to be seen."
Don't forget your toothbrush.
Every Tuesday, we read from the Blueprint for Progress. Today we read from the chapter on Values.
"Some of us have spent so much time and energy coping with alcoholism that we aren't sure what we believe. We may have pushed our values aside in order to keep peace in our alcoholic home. We might have even ignored what we believe is right and acted contrary to our beliefs. For example, if we feel it is morally wrong to cheat on our income taxes, we might still have signed an inaccurate joint return, if the alcoholic insisted, to avoid conflict. Perhaps we found a joke offensive but we didn't speak up, fearful of looking like we didn't belong with the crowd.
In Al-Anon, we are learning what our principles truly are, and how to practice them in all our thoughts and actions. Acting with integrity based on our own value system can be an important way to take care of ourselves." -- P. 71.
I felt guilty reading this this morning and I feel guilty re-reading it 12 hours later. Maybe guilty is not the right word. Uncomfortable with myself is a better way of explaining how I feel. Today I told someone some stuff about someone else. I'm not sure why I did it. To get closer to him maybe? I'm not sure. But I felt it was inappropriate and showed me in a bad light - to him and to myself. I think what happened has to do with values. What are mine, exactly?
I don't know. That makes me feel uncomfortable. I also feel some shame today. Here's the wife of U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama on the subject of values:
I've been neglecting this blog since I'm back in intensive French language school. I'm on the Learn-French-in-20 Years-or-Less Plan. So sorry for the lack of updates. But we're back.
Every Monday, we read from Courage to Change. Today's reading started like this:
"I'm not particularly handy with tools. Recently, a friend demonstrated to me that oiling a saw before using it makes it work more smoothly, whether it's cutting metal or wood. Later it occurred to me that learning to oil a saw is a little like learning to apply the Al-Anon program." - P. 317
The reading made me think of the Tin Man in "The Wizard of Oz." He needed oil so as not to rust. I was starting to rust before I got into the Al-Anon program four years ago. It is the oil in my life. It helps me dance more through life.
Every Monday, we read from Courage to Change. Today's reading was a little weird, I thought. And as readers of this blog know, I usually only have issues with the dreaded One Day at a Time, not Courage to Change.
Today's reading began like this:
"I recently had an argument with someone I care about. He had made, all too publicly, a few remarks to me about my weight, and I was less than pleased. Later, when I told him my feelings were hurt, he insisted he had done nothing wrong - that what he had said was true, so I shouldn't take offense.....How often have I justified my own unkindness, or my interfering where I had no business, with that very argument? Too many times, especially during my alcoholic loved one's drinking days. After all, I claimed, I was right: Alcohol was ruining our lives, and it was my duty to say so - again, and again and again.
I am letting go of my certainty about what other people should do. In Al-Anon, I heard someone put it this way: "I can be right or I can be happy." I don't have to make anyone over in my image. With help, I can live, and let live." --
Here's my only problem with this reading: Commenting on someone's weight PUBLICLY merits swift and severe punishment. You have a right to be MAD when some jerk comments on your weight publicly. Period.
That said, I am all about the "I can be right or I can be happy" statement. It's taken four years in the program to get this concept. My former motto was "I can be happy when everyone understands how right I am."
Now I see the big picture. My life works better when I see the forest and not just the trees. I'm giving up the instant gratification of telling people they're wrong - and in some cases blowing the situation up. Now I'm keeping more of a lid on - and my life and myself more intact.
It's not always easy - because so many people are still so wrong, and I'm still so right!
But I like being HAPPY!
Every Friday, we work the step corresponding to the month in Paths to Recovery.
Step Ten is: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
One member chose this reading today from the chapter on the 10th Step:
"Recently, I read a card for an Al-Anon friend. It presented an acronym for "Think."
T - Is it Thoughtful
H - Is it Honest?
I - Is it Intelligent?
N - Is it Necessary?
K - Is it Kind?
Before I came into the program, I heard the phrase "stinking thinking." Usually people made a joke about the phrase. It's used much more in AA than in Al-Anon. But like a lot of things that take awhile to sink in, now I understand the concept more. Four years in the program has made me realize that what I think is often just what I think. It has nothing to do with reality.
Sometimes now I'll think -- and do nothing. Where as before, I followed my thoughts with actions because I thought I had to. I was run by my thoughts.
Something to think about.
On Thursdays, we read from Hope for Today.
Today's reading began with one word, "Wow."
It was about realizing that something as simple as a beautiful day is not of our doing.
We have no control over how stunning the waves look as we gaze out at the Mediterranean.
We didn't cause the waves, we can't control the waves and we can't cure the waves.
I had nothing to do with the breathtaking view I got after we landed in a helicopter on Mt. Fraser in New Zealand last week at 8 am.
Nothing at all. I had no control at all. In fact, I have very little control.
Some days, that feels liberating. Other days, terrifying. Last week, on top of Mt. Fraser, it felt great.
This is the site (also includes a blog) where we got the Yogi Berra wit and wisdom for yesterday's post. The Phoenix Centre for Life and Living is based on zen principles. Worth reading and subscribing to.
The following quotes are from one of the most Zen guys of the 20th century-Yogi Berra -- courtesy of WAYNE C. ALLEN and the PHOENIX CENTRE BLOG:
You’re not done until
a) you give up, or
b) you die.
Most don’t get this, and give up way too early. (Thus Thoreau: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.")
Berra realized that, no matter how hopeless a situation seemed, the game didn’t end until the last out. To be down 7 runs with one out to go is no more significant than any other point in the game, when you consider it.
Zen considers only the present moment. What I choose to do in this moment is not pre-determined by anything. Blaming your mommy or your past relationships, your genetics or your lack of understanding is just an excuse for not swinging for the fence, right now.
Remember: the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. But only if you take it.
This might seem nonsensical until you see the underlying rhythm:
Observation is to detach from a sense of, well, anything. Nothing means anything, and nothing is permanent. If I see something and go into my head and start making ‘good / bad’ distinctions, or any other distinction, all I will do is re-support what I already believe.
Shifting gears requires that I watch, uncritically, the drama as it unfolds, observe myself as I struggle to ‘meaning-make,’ and then have a breath and let go of that desire. As I let go, I can choose a way to respond, without getting tied up in endless analysis.
Remember: in every area where you think you are stuck, you are stuck because you are holding on to something that does not work. Let go, observe, move on.
This is the follow-on to point 9. From a practical perspective, Berra was spot on. When a pitcher throws a baseball at 95 miles per hour, it takes the ball only four-tenths of a second to reach home plate. That gives the batter about two-tenths of a second to decide to swing or not to swing.
In other words, when hitting a baseball, thinking gets in the way of acting.
This is true with most things.
The whole point of learning anything is to move from complex and slow, to easy and fast. (Think back, for example, to how hard riding a bicycle was, until it wasn’t.)
Relatively, of course.
No one would argue that hitting a 95 mile and hour fastball is easy. But if you’re going to learn this skill, you’d better give up thinking you can reason your way through it. With practice, it becomes instinctual.
In Zen, we bandy about the term discipline. For example, when you meditate, we say, "Just sit." As opposed to what?
Well, as opposed to following your thoughts. No matter how good you get at meditating, you will think thoughts. The key is the discipline of ‘non-following,’ or non-attachment. So, as you think about lunch, you say, internally, "thought about lunch," and you return to breathing and just sitting. You ‘do’ and ‘be’ sitting. You discipline yourself to let each thought go.
Remember: your problems are caused by over-thinking and under-doing. Pick a way to be, and then just be it.
I once saw a poster on a wall that read,
Same idea. Many are those who whine about their lives, their relationships, etc. I say, "Well, what do you want?" They reply, "Here’s what I don’t want…" Phooey.
Stating what you do not want, or where you are not going, or who you aren’t is futile and lazy. Most see this as progress.
"I never want to be in a relationship like this again!" OK. So the next one is worse. You got what you "asked for." This happens, all the time.
It’s like entering a foreign subway system. If you have a destination in mind, all you have to figure out is the map, how to get to the right platform, and which car to enter. If you have no destination, you’re going to end up ‘wherever.’
Remember: your job is to state clearly who you are, what you are about, and see to it that you have integrity. Integrity simply means that your actions match what your mouth is saying. Wandering around all confused and lost, while griping about how hard you are working at defining what and where you aren’t, is the height of dumb.
I think we laugh at this one because we recognize we’ve done this a time or two. We know we shouldn’t eat two pieces of pie, so we take a larger first slice. And then tell ourselves, "At least I didn’t eat two."
What we are talking about here is the tendency to justify doing something that violates our principles, by resorting to the "It’s not as bad as it appears" argument.
Remember: our minds are clever little things, and endlessly try to justify why we can’t do what we say we’re going to do. In Zen, we do what we say. Chop wood, carry water. Don’t be tricky, don’t dissemble, don’t lie. Say it. Do it.
Zen story: Scholar goes to Zen Master to learn, then proceeds to talk about all he knows. Zen Master fills scholar’s teacup and overflows it. Scholar complains. Zen Master: "How can I teach you if all you talk about is what you know? You are too full of your own words."
A conversation requires undivided attention, depth, and a willingness to be open and vulnerable. Most people talk to hear their own voices, and to fill silence (which they fear) with sound. Thus, when people talk too much, it is impossible to converse with them.
Remember: slow down. Speak your truth, from as deep inside as you can reach. Reveal more and more of you, including the messy, evil, nasty parts. Then, shut up, watch and observe (# 10, above.) As you find yourself planning your response (and thereby not listening,) shut up and listen. A conversation is never a debate, and there is no winner.
We are nothing more than our self-definition. The Buddha said,
We endlessly self-describe, and because we think it, we tend to stop there, assuming we are as we describe ourselves.
By implication, to change is, first, to change your self-description. Change, "I’ve never been in a healthy relationship" to "I only engage in healthy relationships." "I always get angry" to "I release my anger safely while staying open to clear communication and equanimity."
In other words, changing yourself requires, first of all, a relentless change in how you talk to yourself.
Remember: ‘a slump’ seems to be a thing outside of you. ‘Not hitting’ is a statement, "I am not hitting right now, and will hit next time I’m up to bat." You think it, you are it.
Yup. Remember, the final destination, for all of us, is death. Standing at a crossroads, (which occur all the time,) endlessly debating the "right path," is a fool’s game. Yet, our world is filled with people just standing there, doing nothing, while bragging about how much effort they are putting in. As they stand there. Doing nothing.
Not to decide is to decide.
Remember: life presents endless forks in the road. In general, any choice we make can be changed at any time. (Life and death choices occur rarely.) Turning a garden variety choice into life and death ("But… but… what if I make the wrong choice???") is actually a way to stay stuck. Pick one, and start walking. You do not get the time you waste back at the end of your life.
Regret, blaming yourself, getting mad at yourself… a trio of stupidity. What’s being described here is so Zen. "This is not working, so let me try this." In a sense, ‘blaming the bat’ is perfect.
Notice—this is not blame the bat-maker. In a sense, blaming the bat is ‘no-blame.’
Here’s a favourite image. I think it’s by John Daido Loori.
Being asleep is the state of the world. People are caught in dreamscape living, making what little they observe fit their preconceived notions, filing people according to their prejudices.
Awake is simply being. It starts with the suppression of judgement, through discipline and force of will. Soon, judgements fade and what is left is awakened living.
Each time you react out of habit, fear, or confusion, you are drifting off into dreamland.
One point of [the movie] Waking Life is captured in the title: one can choose to wake up to life. Or one can live forever trapped in a dreamscape, living a “life” of “woulda, coulda, shoulda.” In a hundred years, no one will remember your name. No one, ever, will know you. Except, possibly, you. If you choose.
And the only you that you can know is the you that you are in this moment. You are not your past—all you have is a present explanation of the story you tell yourself about what you believe happened to you.
In other words, you experience your past now and only now.
You are nothing more than this moment, this breath. In this moment, you can be fully alive and fully present. And in that choice, you are whole, complete, and without blemish.
Authentic, enlightened humanity exists only in the Eternal Now.
Wake up!
On Wednesdays, we read from One Day at a Time. Check today's reading out:
"One evening at a meeting there seemed to be an unusual number of
complaints from members -- about not having what they felt entitled to, or
about the alcoholic's behavior and generally about their sorry lot in life.
One, a forthright person, spoke up.
'You know, all this sounds as though some of us were childishly expecting
life to be entirely free of problems. I recall a long-ago radio comedienne
whose favorite line went something like this: 'Well, you have to take the
bitter with the better.' That's pretty good Al-Anon philosophy, too,
because it tells us we have to accept some unpalatable experiences along the
way, never forgetting, at the same time, to keep an eye on the good things.'
Today's Reminder
Am I expecting everything in life to be just the way I want it? Maybe I
ought to take a good look at those expectations and see if they are
realistic for my particular situation. If I'm constantly reaching for the
moon, I'm going to miss a lot of pleasant things right here in my little
world."* Al Anon Family Groups
I've often reached for the moon in my life. Sometimes I can touch it. Often it seems tantalizingly out of reach. Which ticks me off. It's only since I got in the program that I understand the concept of taking the "bitter with the better." I always strove for perfection in myself and my life before. Can I tell you how exhausting that is?
On Tuesdays, we read from Blueprint for Progress. We are on the "Intimacy" chapter.
"It came to me slowly but surely that I did have this relationship in my life - with Al-Anon friends. My spiritual journey was being taken with my Sponsor; another Al-Anon friend was willing to listen to my job-related problems and give me input; another shared my grief and my journey to peace when my beloved sister died; I had but to make a phone call and someone would join me for a cup of coffee or a walk in our beautiful nature preserve nearby. I had it all - in different people, but all loving and caring for me. This realization led me to peace, gratitude, and letting go of the demands on my husband to be 'everything' for me." - In All Our Affairs, p. 23
All true, but I liked what another member said today. For him, focusing on building his relationship with his Higher Power is the most reliable way to get to real intimacy in life. I agree. I'm a ways from that. My feelings can be so strong at times that they overwhelm my channel to my Higher Power. Friends come and go but your Higher Power is always there. If I could just remember that. If I could just get to that higher ground.